I am not a computer nor a robot! I would have been lucky if I were to be one! I would not have bothered to feel what others made or want me to feel! I feel lonely rather made to feel lonely by my closed ones! I have felt all kinds of pain & the utmost is the one caused by jealousy! Why my near ones always show so much love when my physical presence is there ? Sometimes I wonder myself being too orthodox in ways to expect everyone or for that matter my closed ones to be like me! In paradox, I want to catch up with modern times.
Which ones are right? My Values or My Feelings. My Values make me behave in such a way that I always end up hurting my near ones and My feelings always make me react in such a way that I end up hurting myself. The Jealousy is such a burden on my mind- it never lets me sleep, its so heavy that my heart crushes under its weight.
I always believe I am superior to computers.I always feel I have more to express than 0s & 1s. When God Created me, he gave emotions & feelings , of all kinds. He gave me Beautiful Eyes to Express, Wonderful Brain to Think, Sensible Heart to Feel.I can be so happy at times, that tears roll out my eyes in joy & my heart doesn't even register its weight. But when they roll out when I am certainly unhappy & jealousy, why can't I bear the pain!There is an Ocean there inside which I want to shed! There is no time for offloading, the next moment death awaits. Why the strength to feel Happiness & Sadness not the same? Has God made some error or I myself am the error!! He is known to be Perfectionist, so the latter is certainly true.
I need some strength to fight with my feelings I need some wisdom to upgrade my value system, I need direction. God Give me Strength & Courage and friends do give me feedback!
Santhosh Kumar.
Friday, December 26, 2008
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